A note I wrote to myself during a mini anxiety attack
About mid-morning today in La Paz, Mexico, I had my first mini anxiety attack. My partner, Kaitlyn, and I got the opportunity to represent the USA in a Beach Volleyball Norceca event and it is our first international event on the beach. Coming off of a disappointing showing in Austin, Iʻve been pretty nervous. You know that feeling in a game where everything is moving so fast and you canʻt catch up? You donʻt play like yourself because it feels like your heart is racing a mile a minute. itʻs tough.
Since then, Iʻve been shaky. Scared that it will happen again. And even though I played fine in Pool Play yesterday. The fear loomed over me.
This morning, it struck.
My chest felt really tight like I wasnʻt getting enough air. My heart was racing. I knew this wasnʻt your average nerves. I couldnʻt calm down.
When I realized what was happening, I tried to breathe slow and deep. Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… exhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I tried to distract myself by watching volleyball, and then I tried New Girl. I even forced myself to laugh at the jokes to try and loosen up. But I still felt it.
Then I thought, “maybe you should just write down everything youʻre stressed about…”. It was worth a shot. I got out my computer and just started typing.
I donʻt know if this will help anyone else, but it certainly helped me today. Iʻm writing this after the quarterfinal game that we had to play today and I was able to relax and play clean, which makes me really happy. I donʻt know if Iʻm out of the woods yet, but I see the light.
Here it is (only edited for spelling):
Things Iʻm stressed about I guess
Representing hawaii and not being good enough
Comparing myself to other hawaii athletes who are established and famous
Beach volleyball not being a super cool sport to play
Not making it this season with all the competition thatʻs going on right now
Lots of teams being good and not knowing how to handle it
Whatʻs the right way to think about competition
Be humble?
Be confident?
Iʻm not sure that I know which way to think about things
Worrying about this new anxiety that I have lol
Not playing the game that I know I can
How to respond to the disrespect
Not showing the disrespectful comments that they were wrong
Flight planning
How expensive playing volleyball is
Social events
Not being a good partner
Not being a good friend
Making my coach proud
Sponsorships
Having to play well to get them
Not having enough social media followers
On instagram or tiktok
Thereʻs a lot going on. Iʻm excited and want to play great. Every opportunity counts so itʻs hard to not dwell on one tournament.
But I also donʻt want that one tournament to affect me in the future.
When thereʻs pressure on the line
When it matters
What would I say to me? Lol
Relax carly.
You have family, friends, tanner who really cares about you no matter what you do
This is what you love and you do it because you love to compete
You are a kickass volleyball player
You show people you can be small and ball out
You are a gamer
You are kind
You are a good partner
You are compassionate
Iʻm not sure that anything else matters right now.
Youʻre doing your best
Thatʻs all I can ask of myself.
Everything going on is scary, everything is uncertain
This world is uncertain.
Nothing is guaranteed and everything has to be earned. The good news is that you are in the picture. You are worthy.
In beach volleyball, anything can happen yes. But at the end of the day you are so capable to take on any challenge.
Itʻs not about the other people, but the reason people like to watch you play is because you smile. You have fun. The passion you have for the game shows on the outside.
I think that means something.
Iʻm super proud of that.
“Youʻre fun to watch”
I fucking love that.
From anybody. Itʻs my favorite compliment.
No matter how far down you get, you never give up. Not even when youʻre having an anxiety attack. You can get through anything. And tanner loves you and wants to help you. You have a whole fucking community who is happy to help and who donʻt want anything in return but my happiness.
That’s comforting.
Donʻt forget that.
Whatever this is. You will beat it. I will beat it. I am confident in that. One day at a time. If itʻs not today thatʻs okay. If itʻs not today thatʻs okay. Keep moving and keep trying. Youʻre a professional tryer after all lol.
I love you, Carly. I love you.
