The art of respectful honesty
It’s funny that no matter how much older we get, we still continue to learn and adapt and change. The things I thought I had made up my mind about are back up for debate. The world seems to change around us so quickly.
Twenty-seven. I’m not happy at all to be leaving this age. I want to be twenty-four again.. badly.. It feels like covid has taken precious years from me, but then again, it has from everyone.
To become twenty-eight feels like I’m oh too close to thirty. Which is a whole other panic attack.
But let’s stay focused here. 27. Here is my most important lesson from the year.
It’s what I call, “Respectful Honesty”.
I’ve ended up with this term because it’s the only way I really know how to describe it.
When you think of the word honesty, you might think of someone saying something bluntly or matter of fact. I’ve learned there is a way to be honest respectfully and there’s a way to be honest in a hurtful way.
Respectful honesty deals a lot with how something is said as well. I estimate that 80% of being honest with someone is using the right tone and the other 20% is how you word it.
How you say something totally changes the mood and sincerity.
It’s in my roots.
Growing up in Hawaii, I feel that I have a unique perspective. We are known for our aloha spirit and I believe we are extremely friendly, good-value people. However, we are sometimes susceptible to being an over the top people pleaser which can lead to ingenuine behavior.
This means putting others' feelings above our own, avoiding conflict as much as possible and sweeping any negative emotions under the rug.
AKA nice to your face, talk shit behind your back.
Unfortunately, this is not a healthy way of dealing with issues or people. Those hidden emotions usually lash out in the most untimely and detrimental ways. I’ve learned that first hand.
Most commonly in a truly passive aggressive nature. And no one likes that.
To preserve our friendships and relationships with others, I believe that this is a vital skill. Being honest is hard. Being respectfully honest is even harder.
It requires tough conversations with people you care about. Saying things they don’t want to hear. Understanding your feelings and relaying them in a calm and non-threatening way. No one likes to be told that something they’re doing is not appreciated or that they’re not doing enough. No. one.
So how do you even go about doing it? Well, I’m not an expert, I’ll try to explain.
Here’s an example that has come up recently for me.
My boyfriend is notoriously late. We have been about twenty minutes late to the past couple family dinners and it has really been bothering me. To him, it’s not that big of a deal and it’s not like he’s doing it on purpose, he’s just slow as molasses.
To me though, it puts me in a bad mood. I start rushing and driving the car faster. I feel bad that my family is waiting at a restaurant for twenty minutes and that we’re not respecting their time. It makes me angry to deal with this.
So, this last outing (as we were already 15 min late), I took a deep breath and told my boyfriend how I was feeling and it went something like this:
“I know this particular time is a little bit different (it was a unique situation), but I really want to be on time for our family dinners. We have been twenty minutes late for the past couple of times and it really puts me in a bad mood, I feel like I have to rush around - I just really don’t like it, it doesn’t make me feel good. Could you put more effort into trying to be on time?”
This may not seem like a big deal, but think about the little things that irritate you about a partner, friend or family member. It’s funny at first, but at some point it does get old. And when you’ve had all you can take, will you try to keep your cool or get angry/be passive aggressive.
Ever since I read about the “You vs. I” statements, I have really put more effort into limiting the “you” statements. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, there has been research that shows “I-statements” reduce hostility and defensiveness, while “You-statements” provoke anger (tonyrobbins.com). For example, instead of saying “you don’t care about me, you’re always on your phone”, you could say, “when you’re on your phone, I feel like I’m alone and that makes me sad”.
It takes two!!
In order to “dish” it out, you must also be able to take it.
Admitting wrong or lack of awareness of how you were making someone feel (because tbh that’s usually it) takes humility. It hurts your pride like hell. It makes you feel shitty for letting someone down.
Our natural response is to defend ourselves to rid ourselves of the pain and guilt of potentially being at fault.
So understand that you’re not perfect either. Really understand that. Everybody has a different perspective even though we might not think it’s right. If you bring something up, there’s a chance they will have a reason for the way they’re acting as well. Accept their opinion and see if there’s a way to come to some solution.
Okay, so when is the best time to have this conversation?
You’ll know it’s time to have this conversation when the little voice in the back of your head starts its negative spiel. When you think about something over and over again and you're just going in circles.
You don’t want to wait until you’re at the point of anger because those emotions might become too great, so the sooner you recognize it the better.
Waiting for the “right time” or not mentioning at all has a much much worse outcome. And most likely, the other person already senses something is off. We’re not as good at faking feelings as we might believe.
You might be thinking, okay carly, you might have a point. But i’m scared!
And trust me, I hate doing it as much as the next person! It’s so uncomfortable. I get nervous just thinking about it.
However, after coming to this realization myself and looking around at how other people are handling these situations, I truly believe it is something that is lacking in our world right now.
Older adults who you think should be mature and act accordingly, also struggle with this communication.
I’ve heard so many passive aggressive comments or blaming accusations and that’s the easy way out! It allows you to have no accountability.
Sometimes, the person on the receiving end doesn’t even know where all this anger is coming from! They’re confused because you were too afraid to be honest and tell them something was up! We expect everyone to think exactly the way we do and they don’t.
Always a work in progress.
Personally, I still have a long way to go. I feel like I’ve just dipped my toes in the water to rewire my innate response, but I know this work will be worth it.
Respectful honesty takes courage. To talk to someone (TO THEIR FACE) and let them know how you’re feeling puts you in a totally vulnerable position. The reaction might not always be positive, but you have to do the right thing to make the situation better.
With practice, these conversations become slightly less scary and you will have the knowledge to handle those situations.
Is there anything going on in your life right now that you can think of where it would’ve just been easier to be honest upfront? Truly, think about it and let me know in the comments!
References
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/words-matter-you-vs-i/#:~:text=Studies%20have%20shown%20that%20%E2%80%9CI,work%20results%20in%20better%20communication
