What really happened this past weekend… (Debby downer -> 3rd in AVP Hermosa)
PC: Bryan Malloch (@bryanmalloch)
My friend, Megan Gebhard (aka @volleymeg), reminded me that though it is important to share all the highlights of our career, our platform can be used for so much more. There is a lot going on mentally (and physically of course) behind the scenes.
This weekend for me was amazing. Something truly special. Through all the photos and videos - you see so much joy. A 3rd at AVP Hermosa?? Like are you kidding me?!
But one thing that doesn’t always get shown is the hard stuff. Going into this AVP, I wanted to do well and not only that, I needed to do well to put myself in a better situation for the rest of the season. I missed my chance at Atlanta and it really broke me down (hint: there was ugly crying).
The past two PRO tournaments I had gone 0-2 (barbeque, as they say) and I’d been feeling… honestly a little hopeless. Thoughts about quitting and maybe letting this be my last year doing pro beach volleyball had come up many times in my head. Something I did not foresee myself feeling at least for a couple more years. But as I’ve been getting older, I just feel like time is running out and I can’t hold up to the competition. Maybe I don’t have what it takes to be good. I won an AVP (that no one really remembers lol jk… kinda) and I haven’t been able to prove that it wasn’t a fluke.
So after Lexy and I lost our first game in a three setter, it just felt like another dagger straight to the heart. Getting a good finish after losing the first game would be hard. And I wasn’t sure that I was good enough to do it.
Those thoughts came flooding back in. I could be done this year. That would be okay. I have other things I like now, I wouldn’t be lost without volleyball. You had a good run, you won an AVP. What else could you ask for?
I was facetimeing with my fiancé (still new and weird to say haha) later that day and I was downright unpleasant. All that I had left was a ton of self-doubt and just a tinnnnyyy sliver of hope. My parents didn’t raise a quitter, so I knew I had to keep trying but I was in the dumps (no cap). I continued to do all my game day preparations (ice bath, visualization) to get ready for the contenders match the next day and just tried to shut up my brain.
On Saturday, anxiety was high and the pressure was on. I was so nervous and even more so because I was getting served every ball lol.
But it’s absolutely insane how one game can completely change my whole outlook. After winning the first game on Saturday, I turned to Lexy and said “you have no idea what this win means to me.” And she laughed… then I laughed.
This weekend, I feel like I found myself again. I had been playing everything so safe on the court before. With each game, I felt more and more like my old Mizzou Outside Hitter self. I was aggressive and took risks that paid off. I found the fighter and confidence in me inching it’s way out with each point that went by.
HOW is it possible to go from feeling like you want to quit to feeling like you’re on top of the world? I’ll never understand.
One of my biggest takeaways from this weekend is learning how results-based focused I’ve been during basically my whhooolleee beach volleyball adventure. If I’m winning - I think I am good, if I’m losing - I think I’m trash. So different from the indoor player I was where I felt like I had an unwavering confidence no matter the result.
For anyone reading, this is not how you should be (obviously, carly). Learning this is hard and believing in yourself when everything feels like it’s going against you is even harder.
One thing I know for sure is that this journey is never linear and in my future, there will be hard times again. I will lose myself to doubt, anxiety and sadness. I hope I can come back to this and remember that nothing is forever.
Will I ever know when I should hang up the sand socks?… I’m not sure. But it’s not today.
